Watched the Fights on HBO

All I want to do is break things now.

Tonight

How much time do we have. When we are born we have an expiration date even when we don't know what the date is. All I know is that I have not been the best son, brother, friend that I can. It is hard to know this is it. If I could turn the clock back a few, when would it stop... would I be different when indifferent is the policy? Fuck-em, or is that fuck-me?

Honestly, I am not actually fucking anything... life is endless in its cruelty and uselessness. So what is next? Beat some poor defenseless animal to death? Nope, PETA would be pissed.

Lately I have been a mix of angry and empty. I forget more than I remember, I get mad at peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. My life has become so routine that routine is forgetting to breathe.

Maybe that is not a bad thing.

CS Lewis

"The safest road to hell is the gradual one - the gentle slope, soft underfoot, without sudden turnings, without milestones, without signposts. "
C. S. Lewis

I was thinking about this quote lately. It can mean many different things at different times. Each day, each second it has a new meaning. Is this hell and I have just not figured out the "eternal fires" is really the anxiety of this life.